Nirja Bahety Guest
Floor filled with books and notes. You search for a particular notebook where you wrote all the formulas. You forgot an entire portion and running out of time, just mugged the theorem. Just four hours of sleep, those puffed eyes and sore throat said it all.
Pin drop silence and you can hear the clock ticking. “Question number 7” a soft whisper poked you, but you decided to ignore it turning your empty pages. “15 minutes left” said the invigilator. Trying to fill your uncompleted questions you think hard but just give up then leave the examination hall.
Feeling giddy and sleepy you wait for some of your friends. Not talking much on the way back home and you jump straight into your bed. It is the day, the big day. Oh my god!!! Result. They said to send an SMS to a number stating your symbol number. But where is you symbol number? Straight to your “the stuff drawer”. Yeah… found it. Your heart is pounding and hands are trembling when you hold your phone on one hand and the slip with your symbol number on the other. You do the formalities and wait. Longest 60 seconds of your life passed when your phone lightened up with an incoming message. You feel sweat-drops flowing on your back tickling you while your eyes get stuck on an “*”. Crumbling the paper in your hand and constantly staring at the phone, that’s what you’ve become. “No this can’t be it, did I send the wrong symbol number?” But it is what it is. Few hours and no words from your mouth. You hear sarcasm all over. Thinking over and over again lying on your bed you give up. “I am not needed now”, this is what you say to yourself inside the washroom. There you see yourself without any identity and purpose and want to extinguish yourself. “Yes that is what I will do now. But how? Should I drink or cut? When? What if they catch me doing it?“ “They?”… Yes, “they”… Your dad, who always bought you your favorite treat. Your mother, who used to sing you lullaby every time you cried. Your little brother, who used to come inside your room without knocking. You imagine them without you. You remember the time when you went on a tour and they had been keeping track of you every single minute the entire tour. “I was bored”, that’s what your little brother said when you came back. Your best friend is a crazy smart mouth who never leaves you alone and you think of that one time when you had “the fight”. That pain… Your mother’s smile, father’s strong hand grip and the little one’s loud voice. You think all of it and say “No, I lost but I won’t make them pay for it by losing me. I will try again. This is not the end and this can never be the end. I will turn this ‘full-stop’ into a ‘P.T.O’.”
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